How do people feel after having a conversation with you? Ignored? Interrogated? Inspired?
After meeting with my friend Anita, I always leave the conversation believing I’m smarter and a better conversationalist than I actually am.
She intently listens and asks questions in the most brilliant way.
“When I left the dining room after sitting next to Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But when I sat next to Disraeli, I left feeling that I was the cleverest woman.” – Lady Randolph Churchill talking about British politicians Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone
That’s how we want people to feel after talking with us - like they were listened to.
Image from @stinkyasher on TikTok
Sociologist Charles Derber at Boston College categorizes our responses into two categories: shift response and support response.
A shift response is when you direct attention away from the speaker and back to yourself (the respondent).
For example:
Monica: My cat ran out of the house, and we had to look for her all day.
Rachel: Our cat is always getting out, so we just don’t let him get near the door. (shift response)
A support response is one that encourages the speaker to elaborate on their statement to gain understanding or information.
For example:
Monica: My cat escaped out of the house, and we had to look for her all day.
Rachel: Oh, no! That’s awful. Where did you find her? (support response)
In her book You’re Not Listening, Kate Murphy shares some pointers on how to transition from shift responses to supportive responses:
Fill-in-the-blank questions can be a great way to reconfigure a question: “You and Chandler got in a fight because…?”
Try to avoid asking incidental details that might distract people from what they are sharing.
Avoid asking questions like an interrogation: “Did you get your grade for the test? Do you have practice tonight? Do you have homework?” Rather, ask about something good that happened or what they like about a class.
As a parent and spouse, I am guilty of interrogating and providing shift responses. Sometimes I don’t know how to respond, so I try to share something that happened to me (in an attempt to show support). But, what I really need to do is ask better questions.
We spend so much time talking about how to say something, but not nearly enough time on how to ask better questions! I am on a mission to improve my listening skills AND ask better questions!
What's the Plural of Mongoose? Octopus?
Because mongoose has the word “goose” in it, people assume that it should be mongeese. However, that’s not the preferred plural form. The preferred plural of mongoose is mongooses. (I know – I was surprised, too!)
How about the plural of octopus?
While we often say octopi, that isn’t necessarily correct. Octopus is from the Greek word októpus, so the Greek plural would be octopodes. The standard plural in American and British English is octopuses. Octopi is the plural in Latin; however, the preferred spelling in English is octopuses.
Did you know this? I will admit that I’ve used octopi in the past!
A MUCH-NEEDED LAUGH!
INSPIRATION
Imagine waking up and finding out that not only were you gifted money to pay for your utility bill, but you’ve also received a delicious pound cake with the message, “Somebody loves you.” That would be the BEST surprise.
Many people in West Tennessee experienced that exact surprise. For decades, “The 9 Nanas” would meet up at 4 a.m., bake pound cakes, coordinate donations, and deliver these generous packages before the sun came up.
It all started when one of the women shared how her grandma used to send her infamous pound cake to friends and strangers to make their day a little better. The nine friends decided they wanted to do that for others. They set aside the money they’d usually use for laundry and started doing their own dry cleaning. The $400 would be used to help people in their community.
They eavesdropped at local beauty salons and in the grocery store. If they heard about a widow or single mother in need of help, they would anonymously purchase clothes or pay the utility bill.
"We drive through low-income neighborhoods and look for homes with fans in the window. That told us that the people who live there don't have air conditioning. Or we see that there are no lights on at night, which means there is a good chance their utilities have been turned off. Then we return before the sun comes up, like cat burglars, and drop off a little care package,” shared Mary Ellen, one of The 9 Nanas. (Quote courtesy of Huffington Post/ HuffPost.)
No one knew anything about it for decades…until Mary Ellen’s husband started asking about the extra mileage on the car and the large amounts of cash that had been withdrawn from their savings account. So, “The 9 Nanas” let their husbands in on their secret, and the husbands offered to help!
In the past 35 years, these generous women have contributed more than $900,000 to their local community and gifted countless pound cakes!
⭐ ⭐ ⭐
What an astounding legacy these thoughtful ladies have created. They are incredibly generous, yet they wanted to remain anonymous. It was about helping, not self-promotion.
May we all take inspiration from them and find small ways we can help in our communities!
The 9 Nanas pound cake.
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